Wake.

today at the wake i: 

discovered just how little i knew of my family.

judged girls on what they were wearing. (it's a funeral home, not the mall girls.)

attempted and failed to converse with a three year old relative of some sort. 

was the focus of a rescue attempt from a horridly boring conversation leading to nowhere.

focused some well masked irrational aggressive feelings towards my second cousin for not feigning some sort of interest in me. 

considered making a secret get away.

saw the dead body of my great uncle don. 

held my father's hand to keep him strong. 

when i saw the body, i was mildly alarmed that it would jump up any second and open it's eyes.  they cleaned him up a bit too nicely, people don't remember him as the well groomed man in that coffin, they know him as the red faced man with jack daniels. but that's what death is, taking the life out of things, and leaving a hollow shell that housed them. 

Detroit

i can only ever hope that someone is actually reading this, and that someone is actually impacted by my words.

a man my father and others knew and loved passed away a few days ago, so it was time for my father and i to make an impromptu trip to detroit for the funeral. i know you are thinking that no respectable grandparents would live in the city of Detroit, and you would be quite right, because mine live outside of Detroit in a place called Fernadale. when driving through
Detroit to get to Ferndale i saw a city diminished. all the signs of a thriving metropolis area were once there, now replaced with decay. i saw women with no hope in their eyes crossing the street. chipped paint and broken windows describe the diminished dreams of the people still living in the bad side of this broken city.

today i am going shopping, and out for polish food. weight gain on this trip in imminent.

i sat with my grandparents today over coffee and was struck by what they once were, before i even knew them. my grandfather has a tattoo of a Hawaiian girl in a bikini on his forearm. it was once a nude Hawaiian girl, but he had a bikini drawn in before his mother saw. it frightens me to know that one day this is my fate as well. nearing the end with youthful memories to look back upon. i suppose i should focus on making the memories and documenting them for the time being, hence blogging.

if there is someone out in the vast expanses of the internet who is actually reading my blog, please comment or subscribe or the like. i put my heart into what i write, and i actually write it under the notion that there is a living breathing human who considers this blog a good source of literature. i can settle for decent.

Baby

i am so filled with sorrow at this very moment.
now, when my love, my actual love,
is coming for me.

he does love me.
he may be the only one.
he is the only one.

not the only one for me.
but the only one of them that loves me.

the only one i call baby.

i hate you for not being everything i need, and not being irrationally in love with me. and not being able to make me love myself, and not being able to fill this void inside me.

i hate you for leaving me, and turning me into some needy little bitch. and for being a temporary satisfaction that leaves me yearning for more, and looking for it in other places. i hate you for always knowing that you are better than me because you are older, and better at math, and naturally more observant, and you have a job, you even think you are better at sex. i hate you for making me think that you were all i needed, so that i gave up myself, for this wispy, needy, mysterious, scheming, woman i am now.

i hate myself for not loving myself. i throw up again and again thinking that i can flush my emptiness down the toilet.

Stability?

give me something stable. i have been rocking around in a sea of men, hoping to fill my needs. stop. stop the boat. let me be. how can i ever be truly happy, when my happiness depends on this sea of men? these men can not make me truly happy.

Square One

Enough. When will there be enough to fill myself? One man, then two, three. A one night stand? Two? My secrets hang like webs, one is just an ex, one is my love interest, who this fuck is this guy? A date. He may blow everything. My longing for more is soon going to prove to be a self destructive habit. One wrong lie, and my cover is blown. And then what? Then i go back to zero.
Square one, time to rebuild.

killing the only one

i wrote this song a few weeks ago. three weeks ago actually.
my feelings are not not exactly the same now, but here it is.


last night left me raw, cold, and alone.
this morning, found me scared, bruised, and alone.

i'm killing the only one
-repeat 3-
who gives a damn
-repeat-
about me

i'm wearing his bracelet to try to cancel out,
my slashing tendencies and my running mouth,
feeble excuses, lies beyond compare,
i know you can see,
but i still need you here.

-chorus-

what am i doing
i'm slashing the life from ym baby,
the one one who never let go of me.
the one i call at night when i can't sleep,
the only one i want inside of me.

-chorus-

push away pull back,
i love you, i hate you,
you think your so much better,
older smarter, your not fucking better than me.
you love me, always come for me, never leave me,
you never leave me.
you wouldn't leave me cold or bruised or alone,
in a bed that is not my own.



perhaps i did kill the only one. there is no "one" anymore. there is only me to give a damn about myself.