iraq is where my dad is

when i was hugging him goodbye, i knew that if i wasn't strong, then nobody would be, so i smiled and it really didn't hit me, until he was walking away, down that hallway, and when he was far away enough so that he couldn't see, although i kept that smile plastered on my face, i let 2 tears escape my eyes. 2. that's all, if i had let any more go, i would have lost it, lost everything, all control, composure, the tinted glass window that obscures the real me in front of her would have shattered, and that's all i have left of my home life right now.


wow, i must have looked really pathetic, skinny jeans, wide eyes, feet turned inward as a nervous habit, that that coffee. i had a vanilla latte from starbucks, and i was clutching it like it was my lifeline, afraid to let go, because at that time, that latte is all i had to hold on to, and in all actuality, without the caffeine from it, i probably wouldn't have even been awake for this depressing little parting.


and that ticket checker lady, she was looking everywhere but right at us. like it was our moment, and that it was indecent to look in, well thank you lady, i appreciate it. more than you know.

so now i feel trapped in this house. i wanted to get out tonight and just not think about this whole thing, but i can't. so i'm left to wander this house alone, not sleeping (even though i could use a good 24 hour sleep) just thinking about thoughts that i honestly would rather forget, for the time being.

the puzzle

some people are like a puzzle, and once you figure them out, and put them together, they are no fun anymore. i let people in to quickly, i am to trustworthy with new people, thinking that they would never hurt me, why would they, but then i put their puzzle together, and move on, and i only get hurt sometimes. and once in a while there is a person who i can't figure out all the way. so i keep telling them more and more, while trying to put them together so i can move on, but i cant, and all the while that person is becoming more than the person who knows me best at that time, but the person who will actually stay around, and cares.

here is to all the people i couldn't figure out all the way. because they are my best friends i guess. and even if i did figure them out now, i wouldnt move on, and i couldn't forget.

the emptyness is suffocatingly close

empty

im just empty,
things are happening,
and i can't seem to grasp the emotion behind them,
i want to feel
but life is just going by,
and im not feeling any of it.
im just letting myself be dragged along,
not doing things because of what i want, because i dont want anymore,
im just empty. and i wish something would come along,
something really life altering,
and make me feel happy,
or sad,
or anything for that matter.
because moments are happening and im just not respongdin because im just a hollow shell,
fake smiles,
fake laughter,
i cant even cry,
im just nothing at all.