i hate you for not being everything i need, and not being irrationally in love with me. and not being able to make me love myself, and not being able to fill this void inside me.

i hate you for leaving me, and turning me into some needy little bitch. and for being a temporary satisfaction that leaves me yearning for more, and looking for it in other places. i hate you for always knowing that you are better than me because you are older, and better at math, and naturally more observant, and you have a job, you even think you are better at sex. i hate you for making me think that you were all i needed, so that i gave up myself, for this wispy, needy, mysterious, scheming, woman i am now.

i hate myself for not loving myself. i throw up again and again thinking that i can flush my emptiness down the toilet.

Stability?

give me something stable. i have been rocking around in a sea of men, hoping to fill my needs. stop. stop the boat. let me be. how can i ever be truly happy, when my happiness depends on this sea of men? these men can not make me truly happy.

Square One

Enough. When will there be enough to fill myself? One man, then two, three. A one night stand? Two? My secrets hang like webs, one is just an ex, one is my love interest, who this fuck is this guy? A date. He may blow everything. My longing for more is soon going to prove to be a self destructive habit. One wrong lie, and my cover is blown. And then what? Then i go back to zero.
Square one, time to rebuild.