what my dad can't know

i am sleep deprived.

i am more physically fragile than i ever remember being in my past. cuts and bruises everywhere from things that shouldn't really be making an impact. my ribs are so easy to feel, like never before, just there, not fat between my hands and my little ribs, and it hurts, a lot. everything just hurts. my hips mimic my ribs and jut out of my sides when i lie down. i still don't think i look thin, so all this rib and hip stuff makes no sense.


and i am so dizzy all the time. always tripping over little things, and stumbling to haul my bag over my shoulder.


somebody was playing around with me today, and scooped my up with one arm, like i weighed absolutely nothing, and when he placed me back on the ground i crumpled to the floor, smashing against the metal shelf behind me on the way down, while the metal cut my wrist (something didn't notice until i was collapsing into my seat in my next class).


since my dad left my sleeping has been horrible and insubstantial.


it got better for a while, the security of love easing my thoughts, allowing me to rest.


but now i lay for hours
my thoughts going a mile a minute
racing to fight for a minute of their own.

if one of the more important thoughts does get a spot in the lime light,
i probably will not enjoy thinking about that single thing any more than i enjoyed searching for just one thought.
so then i will push it away to be replaced by a thousand other racing worries.




and when my body's anguish finally wins out over my mind's fickle thoughts
my horrible dreams take over.


waking me over and over again
i wake up crying
or screaming
possibly just shaking,
or rigid, not moving a muscle.

and once i get my bearings,
and realize that all these horrible things are only dreams
and nothing more
my racing thoughts come rushing back like a river,
i eventually fall back asleep,
only to awaken again
the whole process repeating itself
until it is the alarm clock waking me.








i had sleeping problems before, but this is completely different.



i am dealing with my problems well by day. not letting it show. but they haunt me at night. all of them.



and the one person i would normally ask for advice about all this, is the one person that absolutely must not know anything about it. i will not stress my dad with trivial worries about me. he has a lot more important things to think about.