i hate you for not being everything i need, and not being irrationally in love with me. and not being able to make me love myself, and not being able to fill this void inside me.

i hate you for leaving me, and turning me into some needy little bitch. and for being a temporary satisfaction that leaves me yearning for more, and looking for it in other places. i hate you for always knowing that you are better than me because you are older, and better at math, and naturally more observant, and you have a job, you even think you are better at sex. i hate you for making me think that you were all i needed, so that i gave up myself, for this wispy, needy, mysterious, scheming, woman i am now.

i hate myself for not loving myself. i throw up again and again thinking that i can flush my emptiness down the toilet.

Stability?

give me something stable. i have been rocking around in a sea of men, hoping to fill my needs. stop. stop the boat. let me be. how can i ever be truly happy, when my happiness depends on this sea of men? these men can not make me truly happy.

Square One

Enough. When will there be enough to fill myself? One man, then two, three. A one night stand? Two? My secrets hang like webs, one is just an ex, one is my love interest, who this fuck is this guy? A date. He may blow everything. My longing for more is soon going to prove to be a self destructive habit. One wrong lie, and my cover is blown. And then what? Then i go back to zero.
Square one, time to rebuild.

killing the only one

i wrote this song a few weeks ago. three weeks ago actually.
my feelings are not not exactly the same now, but here it is.


last night left me raw, cold, and alone.
this morning, found me scared, bruised, and alone.

i'm killing the only one
-repeat 3-
who gives a damn
-repeat-
about me

i'm wearing his bracelet to try to cancel out,
my slashing tendencies and my running mouth,
feeble excuses, lies beyond compare,
i know you can see,
but i still need you here.

-chorus-

what am i doing
i'm slashing the life from ym baby,
the one one who never let go of me.
the one i call at night when i can't sleep,
the only one i want inside of me.

-chorus-

push away pull back,
i love you, i hate you,
you think your so much better,
older smarter, your not fucking better than me.
you love me, always come for me, never leave me,
you never leave me.
you wouldn't leave me cold or bruised or alone,
in a bed that is not my own.



perhaps i did kill the only one. there is no "one" anymore. there is only me to give a damn about myself.

hello blogspot. it's been a while. so long that i forgot my password.
i made a new one for your benefit. benefit is an awesome makeup brand.

i basically did a 360 from the girl i used to be (the one with all the depressing blogs)
i can still write emotional things, in less of a "i want to slit my wrists" manner.
please keep that in mind.

here is my cat. he drinks from my cups.

going for a ride

it was a simple comment from his friend. "don't worry i won't make you do stuff like jordan does"

it kinda threw off my whole day.

why is it that jordan is in control now? i was always on top. always the one to get bored and move on. always the one to leave guys in the dust. why is it not like that this time? love? is it because i am in love?


is this the best kind of love?


i basically do whatever he tells me too.

why is it that?


when i'm finally in love.
i really found it.

and it's now that i feel so vulnerable. impressionable? for this guy.



never ever ever before was a boy able to make me do whatever he wanted.


and it worries me just a bit.

he has my complete respect. not like the others.
they had practically none of my respect,
they made themselves easy to leave behind.

they basically made themselves extra baggage, and are lucky that i took them along for a short ride.

but it's like I'm the extra baggage now. I'm the one going for a ride. and i'm the one who would be easy to forget about.

waste of his damn time.

^^that's completely over

i know you shouldn't replace someone with someone else.
doesn't mean i haven't tried.

i know that you should "hate" the guy who broke your heart, and left you.

i know it shouldn't take this long to forget about it.


honestly, i don't love him anymore, how could i still love someone who played me like that. like every other girl. to me love is caring about someone else more than yourself, and i don't care about him more than myself anymore.


the trouble is, i can't get over him. his touch, his taste, his scent, his smile.


i know to him i was just some little girl that he wasted time on. not spent. wasted.


i hate being a waste of time.


and trying to get over being just one big waste of time, by waisting your time on some guy that is annoying as hell is not the way to go about this. not at all.


you know it's no him that i miss at all. it's the whole being in love thing. i miss all that. because it's not something that just happens. once it's lost it takes time to find it again.