what my dad can't know

i am sleep deprived.

i am more physically fragile than i ever remember being in my past. cuts and bruises everywhere from things that shouldn't really be making an impact. my ribs are so easy to feel, like never before, just there, not fat between my hands and my little ribs, and it hurts, a lot. everything just hurts. my hips mimic my ribs and jut out of my sides when i lie down. i still don't think i look thin, so all this rib and hip stuff makes no sense.


and i am so dizzy all the time. always tripping over little things, and stumbling to haul my bag over my shoulder.


somebody was playing around with me today, and scooped my up with one arm, like i weighed absolutely nothing, and when he placed me back on the ground i crumpled to the floor, smashing against the metal shelf behind me on the way down, while the metal cut my wrist (something didn't notice until i was collapsing into my seat in my next class).


since my dad left my sleeping has been horrible and insubstantial.


it got better for a while, the security of love easing my thoughts, allowing me to rest.


but now i lay for hours
my thoughts going a mile a minute
racing to fight for a minute of their own.

if one of the more important thoughts does get a spot in the lime light,
i probably will not enjoy thinking about that single thing any more than i enjoyed searching for just one thought.
so then i will push it away to be replaced by a thousand other racing worries.




and when my body's anguish finally wins out over my mind's fickle thoughts
my horrible dreams take over.


waking me over and over again
i wake up crying
or screaming
possibly just shaking,
or rigid, not moving a muscle.

and once i get my bearings,
and realize that all these horrible things are only dreams
and nothing more
my racing thoughts come rushing back like a river,
i eventually fall back asleep,
only to awaken again
the whole process repeating itself
until it is the alarm clock waking me.








i had sleeping problems before, but this is completely different.



i am dealing with my problems well by day. not letting it show. but they haunt me at night. all of them.



and the one person i would normally ask for advice about all this, is the one person that absolutely must not know anything about it. i will not stress my dad with trivial worries about me. he has a lot more important things to think about.

still standing

im still standing

I really expected it to hurt a lot more.

I expected to be shattered on the floor
and left to pick up the pieces myself
and slowly reassemble all the little fragments that were me.




It's not like that.
I feel stronger
braver


mature.

I can now see that I am more emotionally resilient than I ever gave myself credit for

I can be independent and just fine


still strong




still in one piece



still standing

blowing away the puzzle

i can almost feel the pieces of the puzzle of my life blowing away,
everything is about to blow up in my face.


nothing has happened yet, but i can feel a big change,
something that will upset everything.




right when all the pieces are about to fit together,
only 2 pieces left now
both of them about to be put in their place.
but i guarantee it won't be as easy as it seems to place a piece of my puzzle away,
no, that piece is about to blow away,
and the rest of the puzzle will fall to pieces at my feet
so that i can pick it up and start over.



who knows, maybe things will be better at the end?

just a sorry excuse

"you're just a sorry excuse for a best friend"


those words, they cut me like a knife, made my heart skip a beat, made me gasp for breath.


just a sorry excuse?


what else am i just a sorry excuse for?
a best friend
a student
a daughter
a girlfriend
a sister
a niece
a friend
a cousin
a grand daughter


am i just a sorry excuse for a person?


maybe i should stop bothering people, stop trying to be social as anything more than an acquaintance, because after that, apparently, i am just a sorry excuse.

stairs


rooftops

iraq is where my dad is

when i was hugging him goodbye, i knew that if i wasn't strong, then nobody would be, so i smiled and it really didn't hit me, until he was walking away, down that hallway, and when he was far away enough so that he couldn't see, although i kept that smile plastered on my face, i let 2 tears escape my eyes. 2. that's all, if i had let any more go, i would have lost it, lost everything, all control, composure, the tinted glass window that obscures the real me in front of her would have shattered, and that's all i have left of my home life right now.


wow, i must have looked really pathetic, skinny jeans, wide eyes, feet turned inward as a nervous habit, that that coffee. i had a vanilla latte from starbucks, and i was clutching it like it was my lifeline, afraid to let go, because at that time, that latte is all i had to hold on to, and in all actuality, without the caffeine from it, i probably wouldn't have even been awake for this depressing little parting.


and that ticket checker lady, she was looking everywhere but right at us. like it was our moment, and that it was indecent to look in, well thank you lady, i appreciate it. more than you know.

so now i feel trapped in this house. i wanted to get out tonight and just not think about this whole thing, but i can't. so i'm left to wander this house alone, not sleeping (even though i could use a good 24 hour sleep) just thinking about thoughts that i honestly would rather forget, for the time being.

the puzzle

some people are like a puzzle, and once you figure them out, and put them together, they are no fun anymore. i let people in to quickly, i am to trustworthy with new people, thinking that they would never hurt me, why would they, but then i put their puzzle together, and move on, and i only get hurt sometimes. and once in a while there is a person who i can't figure out all the way. so i keep telling them more and more, while trying to put them together so i can move on, but i cant, and all the while that person is becoming more than the person who knows me best at that time, but the person who will actually stay around, and cares.

here is to all the people i couldn't figure out all the way. because they are my best friends i guess. and even if i did figure them out now, i wouldnt move on, and i couldn't forget.